I Am Truly Free

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I couldn't sleep. This was the third night in a row that I am stuck, unable to drift into the beautiful and peaceful land of slumber. The only explanation was that God wanted me awake for a reason.
The words that echoed in my mind from off the screen of my phone was this: Forgive them.
 For weeks I had been angry. Angry at so many people, so many things. I'm not usually angry, so I didn't understand what was happening to me. It was a foreign feeling inside of me that I didn't know what to do with. I needed to forgive them, but somehow I couldn't. It wasn't until the third sleepless night that I was able to push all other thoughts aside and focus on God instead of focusing on myself.
It was like the tearing of a cloth, ripping my thoughts away from where I thought they wanted to be and placing them where I now know they need to be. I was selfish and so I couldn't forgive them. In the process I was hurting both them and myself.
God forgave me. So why is it so hard for me to forgive someone else? Then I thought: If it's so hard to forgive someone who did so little to me, imagine how difficult it might be for God to forgive someone who did so much to Him! Yet He still forgives them.
I needed to forgive them.
I lied in my bed, restless and tired. I lifted my hands to God and prayed, "Lord help me forgive them!" Tears were rolling down my face, and I kept praying. "God I forgive them!" And last night I forgave each person by name.
It was like I had been in chains before and forgiveness was what set me free. It was like I was chained to each person by this bond of hate and spite and forgiving them was what finally released me from that bond. I felt relieved. For the first time in months, I felt peace. I cried because it was so beautiful.
Forgiveness is beautiful.
After that, I dozed off to sleep.

This is something I wrote last night, after forgiving those people:

I am held in chains. Until my faith breaks me free, I am held captive. Until I come to the realization that all I need to do to break away is turn my eyes away from myself, my hurt, my pain, my heartache, me, until I look to the Father instead of myself and choose to forgive like he had done for me, until then, I am stuck. 

I am alone. Nobody stands with me. I am lost and alone. Until I come to the realization that first Jesus had many, then all was taken from Him and He was completely and utterly alone, until I realize that Jesus was once more alone then I will ever, and I mean EVER be, until then, I am stuck.

I'm sinking. I was walking high in pride on love, but now I am sinking below the surface. I lost sight of what is good. Until I realize I am just repeating history, until I realize this has been done before and all I have to do is look away from the waves and troubles and fears and heartache and worries and the unknown, until I realize all I need to do is focus on my Creator, until then, I am stuck. 

I am stuck. Until I forgive, until I focus on God, until I choose love, until I have faith, until I love the Great Lover Himself, until I come to realize. Until then, I will remain stuck. 

But if I forgive. If I focus on God. If I choose love. If I have faith. If I love the very first Lover. If I come to realize. Then, and only then, will I truly be free. 

Today I am truly free.