So hopefully everyone knows by now, we are indeed moving. All the way across the country.
*dramatic pause*
Yes, we are, once again, moving to Arizona. *happy dance* But honestly, I have mixed feelings. I mean, it's been three years living here in Minnesota-- I should have mixed feelings. In fact, when the news was much newer I felt bad by not having mixed feelings. I was praising Jesus all the way for this amazing and miraculous news.
But then it hit me.
I mean, things here haven't been great. Life at home has been extremely difficult. But outside of home? With my new writing friends? And the youth group (I finally started going!)? That was great. And I'm going to miss that. A lot.
I am honestly afraid of what life will be like again living in Arizona. I'm afraid of the influences. I realized something drastic the other day...
I have never been boy-crazy. I mean, I hope to get married one day, but I'm not pushing for that to happen. I trust that God will bring him into my life at just the right time and I don't want to screw that up by dating every guy I meet. Forgive me, but I hate the dating game.
I'm not even sorry for saying that. : )
Anyways, so when we last went to visit Arizona in February I was talking with a close friend of mine and he was trying to get me to say who I had a crush on. I didn't have a crush on any guy at the time, but my sister got it in his head that I did, so I had to come up with someone. Originally my answer was a guy I had a dream about marrying once whose name was Ryan. That satisfied him until he realized that Ryan isn't a real person. Then I went to my back-up guy, Fitz, from my favorite book series Keeper of the Lost Cities (by Shannon Messenger). Then he found out he was fictional as well. So, I finally gave way and said I was interested in a guy in my youth group (Lord, please don't let him be reading this!). Then he started asking all sorts of questions about this guy from my youth group. I answered them all and began thinking. Suddenly, I really did like the guy. I was becoming boy-crazy and I'm sad to say its been going on for a few months until I made this recent discovery.
And it wouldn't have happened if I never went to visit Arizona.
This is what I am afraid of; losing my purity because of the pressure/example/expectation that I face in Arizona. While I am here I can easily tell you I refuse to lose my purity, but there?
Is this me being afraid of the unknown?
Mom and I keep reminding ourselves; mosquitos and wood ticks--reasons enough on there own to make anyone want to leave.
Also, though, the memory of the difficulties we've suffered as a family over the past three years makes us want to leave.
But my friends here-- I don't want to lose them. Some of them I just made at a writing conference (more on that later) and some that have helped me through so much during these painful few years.
And then there is distant relatives. Most of my family (distant relatives) lives here (though I am happy to announce that my aunt, uncle, and their five children are moving with us!).
I keep telling myself that once we get to Arizona, everything will be fine. All my old friends will help us unpack and life will be as it was before (sort of). But I don't want to forget all of you up here. I'm afraid I will forget all of you in the busy/craziness in Arizona. I know I won't. But I'm still afraid.
But why is that? Why am I so afraid? I say that I trust God. But if I still have this ever present fear living inside of me, have I really put my full trust in Him?
Guys, this is heavy on my heart. Please pray that things get better--that I can put my full trust in God and his plan in all of this and fear no more. Thank you! <3
So what else is new with me? Well, earlier I said I was going to tell you about the writing conference, so that is a great place to start.
I went to a writing conference/workshop/thingy a few weeks ago and it has been LIFE CHANGING! I will be coming back to this next year!
I met one of my favorite authors-- Jennifer Nielsen.
And I made amazing new friends.
And I learned a lot and it inspired me so much! <3 <3 <3
Other new things-- my aunt (the one that is moving with us) had a baby!! <3
I recently met up with some of my writing friends from the conference (and from co-op).
And they inspired me to outline my novel and keep writing {cause I'm not alone in the battle}. <3
Well, that's all I have for you for now. <3 God Bless!
1 comment:
You are not alone! It is totally understandable to feel nervous, scared, sad, confused, excited, happy, curious, frustrated... God is so amazing!! He created us to feel! And to think! He created your ability to feel all of your emotions! He is so creative!! This life is a great adventure, sometimes happy and sometimes a range of other emotions hit us. Seeking God 's purpose for your life, as you have been, drawing near to him, and searching for truth. You are not 'leaving your friends' so much as venturing forth into the next chapter of your story. Things are changing, that is for sure, but things change no matter what.
There are some truths that you can stand on:
#1 You are not losing friends, you are venturing out to make more.
#2 Things will not be the same there as they were before. Everyone has changed. The same is true here. One thing that is guaranteed in life: CHANGE!!
#3 Your purity is not based on a geographical location. Your choices have always been and will always be YOURS to make. Wether you live in Minnesota, Arizona, Maine, or the Moon. Yes, there are influences. So, choose your friends wisely, as you always have, and stick to your convictions, as you always have, EVEN AS THEY CHANGE and morph with your maturity. Choosing what purity looks like when you are 12 and your life view at that time vs choosing what purity looks like at the age of 18 are just not the same.
#4 There are now and will always be good and bad with everything. Even the weather. Even the cat. (I know, she's perfect... Except... Well... She eats screens and weatherstripping on doors. And there is currently that mouse treat she left in the garage. All yours. And thank you.)
#5 Your writing friends and you can, well, write each other. Meet up at conferences, perhaps go to college together, travel together, visit each other... They are your friends. Miles don't change that.
I could go on... and I will if you need me to. But right now, I'm going to go wipe a little butt. Someday, it will wipe itself and I will be both happy and sad. Just like I have been 4 other times so far. Change is in everything. :-)
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